***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
