I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
