He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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