i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
