Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
