i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Everyone says I win the strip club
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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