I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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