can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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