you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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