At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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