You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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