and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
