we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
