The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
