When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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