Where did you get a picture of my penis
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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