just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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