Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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