u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
