Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
