You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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