WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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