I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
