two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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