she smelled like a LAN party
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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