swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
