I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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