I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
