We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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