you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
