there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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