You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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