I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
