Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
