seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
