Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
