We named our party play list daddy issues
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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