I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
