I'm eating all of the evidence.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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