we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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