just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
