I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
