am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
