she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
