I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
