The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
