I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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