i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
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