Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
50% drunk capacity currently
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
