Rock
Scissors
Fuck
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
