Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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