My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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