booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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